I feel so old. The last time I was on this was last December, and even then I was only going on tumblr every once in a while. I still have a photo taken in my sophomore year of high school as my profile picture, and whatever add-ons I had on my page don’t even work anymore (rip playlist). I don’t have to look back at my old posts to realize that I was young, needy, and naive. I mean, I still am young, needy, and naive, but now I understand what it actually means to be sad and lonely (also not as needy, according to @jsuhardjo lol BUT I STILL CAN BE HEH). Whatever sadness I experienced in high school and my first two years of college was just the surface of the emotion, barely breaking through to its underlying emotional meaning. Now here I am, soon to be entering my fourth year of college, with a tired heart.
Why do I always get sad at night? LOL every time I wake up after a night of overthinking and stupid thoughts that I don’t want to have, but seem to think about anyway, I always think “oh how stupid of you, Kim, why were you so vulnerable and emotional, like you’re happy now”. But am I really? Is this a facade that I am trying to keep up so that my life is back to normal, back to my old self of happy Kim, wanting to please everyone and making sure everyone feels welcome and not awkwardly out of place because you wouldn’t want to be in their shoes and be out of place as well? Not that I’ve necessarily gone through a lot, but I’ve just been sad and I’ve been trying so, so hard to be happy and experience so many new things and take advantage of this free time I won’t have after college. And I have been happy, I’ve been going out even when I’m tired after work and don’t want to, I’ve been forcing myself to work out, to do all these fun things, and I realize, wow I’m actually cared for and loved.
Today I went to visit my grandma’s grave with my parents and my sister. My mom was lighting the incense and passed me three, telling me to go tell grandma that I’ve finally come to visit. I think this is what made me sad today, going to see my grandma. I always feel awkward to bring up a family member’s death and I cannot bring myself to talk about my grandma just yet. It’s too hard, and a lot of people can’t relate because they weren’t close to their grandparents, or for any other reason, so I don’t want to bring it up anyway. Okay yeah I can’t talk about this anymore LOL onto another reason why.
The other day, my friend thought I had said the dumb boy’s name, when I had said something else, and he was like, “Wait what? I thought you were over him and you’re happy now?” and I was like, “what are you talking about I am??” and then I was like oh shit you thought I said his name LOL I said something else. And when him and my other friend were at Costco getting food, we brought it back up again and he joking said, “this is a facade huh?” And I replied “of course not!!” I mean I wasn’t lying, but I still get these stupid, STUPID moments where I’m sad and I rethink too much about the little things and think about the happy moments we experienced together, the feelings I had for him and didn’t really have for him yet, and how I wished I could talk to him when my grandma passed away a month later because he was the one I would tell everything to. Literally how could I let this one fuckboy make me feel this way and why did I fall for him so hard? I let my guard down. I don’t regret being together with him, but I do regret letting myself be so vulnerable, because now I’m scared to be open and vulnerable again and it’s hard to talk to people about my emotions and what I’m feeling now, because I can’t do it anymore. I let someone into my heart so easily and so fast, and was heartbroken in the end.
It’s been like what, four months since we were together? At this point it’s been so long and I should be over him and I want to say I am over him and the relationship, but does my sadness indicate I am not over him? maybe?? I have no idea. It’s literally so sososoososososososoo stupid to be thinking about him and crying over him. I literally cried everyday for two months at the end of last quarter. There’s no point in wasting my tears and thoughts over him, but why can’t I just let go and stop? I’m trying, I really am, and I shouldn’t let myself be weak. Man this is the second time this summer (hey but I let myself cry only two times yey me?) I let myself cry over this again, and I won’t be crying anymore.
I think I’m partially not over this whole situation because his sister (one of my best friends) and I weren’t on good terms after her brother and I broke up and we had a major falling out between us. The other day my big and I were talking about this and he was like yeah your guys’ relationship was bad. Long story short, I listened to one of my friends and agreed to just let her be, to let her think what she wants to think about me, even though it was wrong and I wanted her to understand what I was trying to say and how I was thinking clearly and not being the naive girl in denial she thought I was being. At the end of last quarter, I told myself it’s okay, you can live with this and move on. So that’s what I’ve been trying to do, trying to act like everything is normal and fun and happy. Sometimes it’s hard to not think about the past when I’m hanging out her, but I’m trying to make our friendship what it was and move past our problems. I think it’s been working??? I mean I’m not like thinking about all of this every time I hang out with her like I’m not some rude bitch with a grudge LOL so I got into a car accident the other day and it was scary af and I thought I was going to die, but I didn’t thank god LOL and she was there for me. Long story short, since she’s bad at English (her words, not mine) and I guess I am too LOL, we had some miscommunication and she thought I needed her to drive me home because I couldn’t drive my car. We both were super confused, but now I know she would be there for me if I really need her hehe
Anyway, I have a lot of anxiety and mixed-feelings about my last few quarters at UCLA. Not that I haven’t had this anxiety and whirlwind of emotions before, but I’m mainly worried about how I can cope with school, getting a job, figuring out my job after college, and having a social life, but also enough sleep at the same time?? There was this snapchat filter with a triangle, each point with a label: social life, sleep, school or something like that. Like how do you have everything?
Now’s the time to find out if I can have everything. Here’s to a new school year Kim. (LMAO ew this was cheesy, I’m cringing at myself). Focus on your priorities and don’t be stupid. As Lily always says, make good choices.
